Once Hollywood started utilizing losing the V-card as the MacGuffin in so many films, it did not take long for things to get weird. As much as we hate to give the film credit for being groundbreaking in any way, 1981’s Porky’s really set the standard for the wave of teenage sex comedies that followed it. It focused on a group of teenage boys who were all desperate to lose their virginity, which leads them on a series of wacky adventures to commit a series of horrific sex crimes. But since the film was set in the 1950s, these actions were brushed aside as boys being boys, but because society still hadn’t really evolved since then, the film wound up getting two sequels and a 2009 reboot.
But Porky’s box office success ended up spawning an entire genre of films where characters treated their virginity like it was a bomb strapped to their crotch, and they needed someone, anyone, to take it away. Yes, it did sometimes feel that way being a hormone-filled teenage virgin in real life, but these movies gave the absolute worst advice on what to do about it.
For example, you probably shouldn’t set a specific deadline for your first time (Losin’ It, My Tutor). The closer you get to that deadline, the more desperate you’re gonna get. Likewise, don’t make it into a contest (Little Darlings, Sixteen Candles) because then you’re only gonna start out desperate, and we all know how much of a turn-on that can be.
Paramount Pictures
Other horrible advice for first-timers from 80s teen sex comedies: Enlisting the help of the cool kid (Goin’ All The Way, Fast Times At Ridgemont High), caving to peer pressure (The Beach Girls), hiring a shady prostitute (Risky Business), hiring a friendly prostitute (Biloxi Blues), going for your best friend’s mom (Class, Homework), sexually assaulting the head cheerleader by pretending to be her boyfriend (Revenge of the Nerds), taking guidance from the ghost of a dead porn star (Meatballs III), selling your soul (The Party Animal), or participating in an orgy just because you’re stuck in a cave together after one guy’s fart triggered a landslide (The First Turn-On!).
I’m being incredibly glib here. I know that these films were never intended to be taken seriously. Most of them were just shameless excuses to get away with showing as much gratuitous T&A as an R rating would allow. Maybe even a couple of them were just a test to see if an erection could write a screenplay. The problem is, they can’t market a movie about horny teenagers behaving badly directly to horny teenagers, and not expect some of those bad ideas to rub off on them (last sex pun, I swear).
Besides, someone having sex for the first time and everything that leads up to it is not meant to be the plot of a movie. Everyone’s first time falls somewhere between embarrassingly awkward and cripplingly traumatic. You know what might make an interesting movie? The second time someone does it. The redemption arc of a bruised ego. A rematch that’s all about pride. It’d be like Rocky II, only they can’t quite figure out if they’re Rocky Balboa or Apollo Creed.
Universal Pictures
But if you’re sitting there thinking, “Whatever, man, my first time went perfectly. I was amazing!” Really? Go ask your partner how well you did that night. Better yet, step out of the room and have their best friend ask them what really happened. Something tells me these stories aren’t gonna line up the way you think.
Top image: Universal Pictures
4 Ways '80s Movies Broke Our Brains
Source: Pinoy Daily News
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