Truth hurts. Like the yellowing, tattered porn stash of a dead family member, some facts we prefer discreetly buried, preferably in the backyard at 3 AM. Pursuit of truth be damned, Nana doesn’t need to learn Gramp’s secrets or what yiffing is.
A lot of famous people celebrated as humanitarians, social pioneers, or tortured geniuses are nothing like we think either. Sometimes the dead, like the living, need a little image boost to keep them relevant …
6
FDR Was A Conniving Warmonger
What We’ve Been Told:
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Pledging isolation but forced into conflict, Franklin Roosevelt declared war on December 8th, 1941, in reaction to an unexpected provocation. This while he was “looking toward the maintenance of peace in the Pacific.” Pearl Harbor had fallen victim to a sneak attack, then later a corny Hollywood schlockfest.
Touchstone Pictures
The Reality:
Never take a Michael Bay movie seriously. If you doubt FDR would have used the A-bomb, he used his own naval personnel as cannon fodder. The peace spiel was theater. Don’t let the rambling fireside chats and cute dogs fool you; he was Machiavelli in a wheelchair.
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FDR made every underhanded move he could to nudge the US into war. The US took Nazi POWs months before Pearl Harbor in a non-existent war, in a foreign territory (Greenland) no less. He signed a secret pact with the Dutch and British that necessitated the US would enter the war even if American soil was never attacked. Under “Rainbow 5,” Roosevelt waited for war, actively trying to get the US embroiled by deceptive means. Sailing ships near Japan to annoy them, he once said, “I don’t mind losing one or two cruisers.”
Both an admiral and the man piloting one of the doomed ships as bait, the Lanikai, expressed outrage over the suicide mission. Declassified US Navy communications confirm it was widely known that war was imminent, so FDR set up a “training base” in the Pacific as a sitting duck. Japanese planners sought out a practical target instead, Pearl Harbor. All the better for FDR. When alerted Hawaii was a definite target by Adm. J. O. Richardson in February ’41, Roosevelt did the expedient thing. He fired him.
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Credited with winning the war, the shady parts of FDR’s biography seem to have been dropped, much to the benefit of gift shop sales.
5
Alan Turing Was A Charismatic Jock
What We’ve Been Told:
Tortured, eccentric, the geeky Alan Turing persisted in his work alone and misunderstood. He overcame mental issues to singlehandedly break the German Enigma code, as depicted in the biographic film, The Imitation Game.
Black Bear Pictures
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The Reality:
Friends at the Bletchley Park code-breaking department got on well with him, wrote letters to get him more funding, and defended him after his arrest for homosexuality. He didn’t singlehandedly build the machine or break the code either — the Polish contributions are frequently erased from Enigma lore. The Benedict Cumberbatch movie is rightfully deemed a manipulative, “garbled mess.”
Weirder still, the film completely omits his real hobbies. By far the best runner in his sporting club, Turing had a special fitness diet and grunted loudly — he was always the center of attention, just like every bro at your gym. The club begged him to join up while he fended off oblivious female admirers with a stiff arm and chugged a beer with the other.
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