Zima – Clearly Trash
We have to start with a classic — Zima is one of the original bullshit boozes. It’s from back when we had a greater radar up for this kind of garbage and was pretty universally shot down when it was introduced in the early ’90s as a clear looking alternative to beer.
That could bring a tear to my eye. One look at the booze shelves these days, and it’s more Zima-likes than anything resembling actual alcohol.
Though we’ve grown as a society in so many amazing ways since the early ’90s when Zima was launched, it’s undeniable that we’ve become far too susceptible to fad drinks and transparent marketing ideas. Zima, nearly immediately upon launch, became a punch line. That’s because back in the day, people could drink. Your beer was supposed to taste like ass. If it didn’t taste like ass, something was terribly wrong. Every cheap beer was called something like Old Taintwater or Heavyass Lite, and it was perfect. Drinking was purely a function, a means to an end.
Then, Zima stepped in and threw off the vibes of the whole party. With one clear, fruit-tasting, unnecessary drink, they kicked open the door for a wave of imposters. Sure, it didn’t really happen until years and years after Zima’s collapse, but it still planted a seed. A fizzy, fruity, sugary seed that grows beneath pop country music festivals and emerges in the form of the great White Claw oak tree, to be climbed by drunken college kids and one that grows stronger for each verse played on stage about trucks, or making out on the back of trucks, or making out with the back end of your truck.
It’s all just to say that without Zima, there very likely would have been less of an explosion in the world of today’s bullshit booze. And for that, we pour one out … onto Zima … like, a waterboarding amount … we pour out a waterboarding onto Zima for ever coming out here and duping the drinking public into accepting this horseshit.
Joose – Four Loko, But Worse
Everybody remembers Four Loko. Well, that might not be fair; everybody remembers their first sniff of Four Loko. But then, without even having a sip, that toxic fairy dust went into their nostrils, straight into their bloodstream, and blacked them out for the next six years. What’s probably remembered most about Four Loko and its competitors are those years before they were neutered and all of the “good stuff” was taken out. The good stuff, of course, being crystal methaffeine. Well, let me tell you about Joose, a Four Loko-like that was somehow even more vile and dangerous in just about every way.
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