If 'Eternals' Were 10 Times Shorter And 100 Times More Honest

that.

 

GEMMA CHAN

I don’t understand, our Deviant-detectors assured us all the

Deviants were dead ages ago! I know those detectors can’t

penetrate like two feet of ice, but still, what happened?!

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RICHARD MADDEN

Somehow, the Deviants returned.

(pause)

Wow, imagine if we just left it at that? What assholes would

WE be, but don’t worry, we do actually explain it later.

 

GEMMA CHAN

We must track down the others and warn them! Well, when I say

“track down”, we know exactly where everyone is, just not

their phone numbers or emails, thus requiring a huge global

trek to actually talk to everyone face-to-face.

 

LIA MCHUGH

Told you we needed a Discord channel, but NOOOOOOO

 

KIT HARINGTON

Aanndd that’s my cue. Awkwafina already did the whole ‘fish

out of water’ thing earlier this year, so see you guys in

the next movie.

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GEMMA CHAN

No, wait, you can’t leave; you have audience surrogate

questions to ask! At least come back in the last five

minutes plus for a super quick post-credits scene?

 

KIT HARINGTON

Deal, as long as I get to be completely cryptic about my

lineage for literally no reason.

 

EXT. FLASHBACK – STILL VERY ANCIENT TIMES BUT LESS ANCIENT THAN THE OPENING SCENE 

The ETERNALS are merrily advancing society, like you do.

 

RICHARD MADDEN

We have less than zero chemistry, Gemma, but since we’re

both perfect physical specimens, how about we …

(wiggles his eyebrows)

Bow chicka wow wow?

 

GEMMA CHAN

Okay! But since this is the MCU’s first actual sex scene,

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we’re only allowed “brief sexuality,” so let’s keep it

really missionary.

 

RICHARD MADDEN

Well, we are missionaries. We’re on a mission.

 

GEMMA CHAN

AW YEAH, HOT BUT NOT BRIGHT THAT’S MY JAM C’MERE YOU

 

EXT. SALMA’S SOUTH DAKOTA CRAPHOLE – PRESENT DAY 

GEMMA, already sick of this whole leading lady business, convinces the trio that they should start at SALMA HAYEK’S FARM, only to find out that she has BOUGHT THE FARM!

 

GEMMA CHAN

Noooo! I could have sworn they signed her to at

If 'Eternals' Were 10 Times Shorter And 100 Times More Honest
Source: Pinoy Daily News