Medieval European coats of arms tend to be so grandiose, so colorful, so full of reverse mermaids it’s hard to know what to look at first. But if its animal charge doesn’t immediately draw your eyes towards its massive penis, odds are you’re not looking at an original coat of arms.
To pizzle, aside from what Snoop Dogg calls going to the bathroom, is the heraldic term signifying that a feudal cartoon mascot has been depicted “with its sex,” a polite way of saying these noble crests feature a massive swinging animal dong. The heraldic tradition of pizzling has a complicated series of forms and rules. Over time, beasts were even endowed with signature schlong styles. Like the stallion who, unlike in real life, was drawn with a surprisingly modest tackle …
Instead, the charge with the most impressive growth was the stag, having their large Bambi-makers on proud display.
But the size of the pizzle wasn’t the only factor. Those marching under headstrong herbivores like the bull and the ram preferred to show just how ballsy they were …
And the noblest lions and bears, while bestowed with sophisticatedly small members, compensated by being posing rampant (avec un hihosilver), a stance so aggressive it only made anatomic sense to draw them with a raging hard-on.
Of course, pizzling was only part of the patois puzzle denoting the delicate art of drawing dicks. In the Holy Roman Empire, which so loved its all-black motifs, beastly hogs were also “besmirched” (vilené) in a bright accent color. Which, in keeping with the rules for highlighting body parts like claws and tongues, were given the heraldic tincture of gules — blood red.
And that bloody boner better be extra eye-catching because if there’s one thing worse than your crest implying you’re a violent rapist, it’s implying you’re a woman. A beast that did not have its junk visible was described as éviré (emasculated). This was especially insulting in the more gothic-y parts of Central Europe, where bears were the most macho thing you could hang on your walls until Fast and Furious posters.
So insinuating someone marches under the banner of a she-bear? Them’s warrin’ words. The Swiss canton of Appenzell, not known for being big on gender equality (women only got the vote in 1991), almost went to war with the neighboring St. Gallen when it ‘forgot’ to give ein grosser barenschwanz to the Appenzell bear in its 1579 calendar.
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