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‘Into the Spider-Verse’ Sequel Should Go Wild With Spider-Woman

Or even in a weird cartoon way.

For years, Marvel didn’t really know what to do with Jess, so they tried to reinvent her a couple of times, and I bet if we look at the timeline of those changes and the availability of cocaine cut with clown blood (known as a “Dr. Rockzo”), we’re bound to see a correlation.

When Jess was first introduced, she was a kid with a mad scientist dad who got her exposed to just a ton of uranium. Taking inspiration from the old “fight fire with fire” adage, Jess’ dad tried to cure her with even more radiation in the form of a serum made from irradiated spider blood. The results were much better than the time he tried to come up with a cure for constipation. But the serum needed to stew inside Jess for a while, so her dad put her in a techno MacGuffin, left her in the care of another mad scientist, the High Evolutionary, and promptly dropped off, presumably to pick up his Father of the Year trophy. The High Evolutionary ended up leaving Jess in the MacGuffin for decades, and when she emerged from it, she was still a teenager. Only now, she had superpowers.

She then briefly basically became the Winter Soldier, getting captured and brainwashed by HYDRA to be an assassin.

Marvel would later revamp Jess in Spider-Woman: Origin, going with the much more plausible story of the girl’s pregnant mother getting shot in the womb with a laser containing the DNA of various spiders. How do you put DNA into a laser, you ask? I don’t freaking know; MAYBE GO ASK TRACY ABOUT IT. No more questions.

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