After being delayed, delayed, delayed, and finally partially dumped on Disney+, Black Widow is finally out. We used our TVA-issued TemPad to send The Editing Room to grab the abridged shooting script to the film. Having done so many times for us in the past, they succeeded in their mission just before being eaten by a giant cloud monster. These are Loki references, gosh isn’t Loki great?
FADE IN:
INT. MIDDLE-CLASS HOUSE, OHIO – 1995
RACHEL WEISZ and DAVID HARBOUR are normal American parents with two normal American kids: VIOLET MCGRAW, who will become FLORENCE PUGH, and EVER ANDERSON, who will clearly become MILLA JOVOVICH OOPS WE MEAN SCARLETT JOHANSSON. They all laugh and get along and appreciate Nature and science and so obviously are DEEP COVER RUSSIAN AGENTS.
EVER ANDERSON
Plus, you can tell I grow up to be Scarlett since I’ve
already started changing my hair color every 10 minutes.
DAVID HARBOUR
(arrives)
Hey, everyone. Our cover’s blown so we gotta drop everything
and run for our lives right after I finish this beer.
(burps)
They pile into the family van and drive to a HANGAR, but POLICE and SHIELD show up!
RACHEL WEISZ
Quick kids, into the plane! Ever, remember your training!
Violet, remember your uselessness, and why are you on this
mission anyway?
DAVID HARBOUR
Go on ahead; I’ll hold them off! Don’t try to talk me out of
it, this is the only time I kick serious ass in the whole
goddamn movie!
DAVID heroically GUNS DOWN INNOCENT SHIELD AGENTS while hanging off the WING, and RACHEL takes a bullet–but EVER successfully LIFTS OFF at the last moment! They fly to CUBA, where DAVID hands over CLASSIFIED INFO, brushes off INJURED RACHEL, and gives EVER and VIOLET to RAY WINSTONE’S TRAUMA FACTORY FOR TRAFFICKED YOUNGSTERS.
DAVID HARBOUR
Y’know while I’m at it, let me also hand over my Father of
the Year mug. Doesn’t feel right somehow.
INT. WASHROOM – 21 YEARS LATER
SCARLETT JOHANSSON uses her PHONE to watch WILLIAM HURT conducting a RAID.
WILLIAM HURT
Listen up, people! This movie is set between Civil War and
Infinity War, but we want ALL the press to call this an
“origin story” and talk like the whole thing happens in the
’90s, got that?! Now bring me Scarlett; we have junkets to
do!!
SCARLETT JOHANSSON
(calls William)
Sorry, I’ve suckered you into one of those
Silence of the Lambs door fakeouts and I’m in some faraway
country that we’d normally pretend was somewhere else but
this time it isn’t.
WILLIAM HURT
But we put a tracker in your belt! How could-
SUBORDINATE
(arriving)
I’m sorry sir, but Scarlett used her elite superhuman spy
skills to… TAKE OFF HER BELT AND LEAVE IT SOMEWHERE. Holy
shit, no wonder she’s a SHIELD legend. Where the hell did we
get the idea we could outsmart her.
(punches self)
EXT. MOROCCO
Meanwhile, in Morocco, GREAT VALUE BLACK WIDOWS FLORENCE PUGH and NANNA BLONDELL are on a mission to get MICHELLE LEE, but are spotted! After a spirited chase, FLORENCE defeats MICHELLE with the DROP-YOUR-KNIFE-TO-THE-OTHER-HAND-MOVE that’s like EVERYONE’S FAVOURITE KNIFE MOVE NOW, but then–
MICHELLE LEE
(shoots CGI red shit into Florence’s face)
Sparkle bomb!
FLORENCE PUGH
(shakes head)
Wha… oh my god, I was under mind control, but now I’m not!
Shit, what was in that Swedish punch anyway?
MICHELLE LEE
(reveals caseful of vials)
The red gas in these vials nullifies mind control and also
looks enough like Pym Particles to fool people dissecting
advance clips. You can use them to free the other Widows!
FLORENCE PUGH
Like Nanna, who’s going to be here any second? I could zap
her and we could team up against the baddies?
MICHELLE LEE
Yes, exactly. So you should run and not do that.
(dies)
FLORENCE PUGH
I will after I rip the tracker out of my leg! Which since I
was under total mind control could have just been on my
belt. Did they switch my tracker and Scarlett’s?
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