There’s No Escaping Hot Vax Summer

With the pandemic finally winding down, some people are very much looking forward to returning to life as normal. And they’ll be allowed to — in the fall because the summer will be all about getting your shot and then shooting your shot at the nearest hottie. Maybe you’ve already heard of this “Hot Vax Summer” and decided you’d rather not go from zero to poolside threesome in 60 seconds. TOUGH LUCK, MAGGOT. Hot Vax Summer isn’t optional. Hot Vax Summer is the summer of 2021. So you better rub a layer of lube over that sunscreen because you WILL dive headfirst in some strange or Hot Vax Summer WILL track you down and come to where you live. 

Jacob Bentzinger, Unsplash

Because we’re allowed to do that again. 

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For the unlubed: what is Hot Vax Summer actually? Coined by Inverse Magazine, it’s the battle cry of the seriously under-sexed. Instead of slowly easing back into normal, most of the world’s non-monogamous population has decided to shake the Wuhan bats out of their sex caves and try to stuff a year’s worth of human isolation into a season of non-stop sex with the same manic desperation they’ll be stuffing their Covid 15 into booty shorts. If you’re feeling nostalgic for official guidelines, just think of Hot Vax Summer as the exact opposite of social distancing: engage in physical contact at every given opportunity, the only dick nosing that’s allowed is when your swimming trunks slip off in the hot tub and under no circumstances should you be fewer than five inches inside of another person.

Jakob Owens, Unsplash

Disinfecting yourself after every interaction is still strongly recommended, though. 

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And you should really know what Hot Vax Summer is about because you’re already in it, with HVS niches having spawned for every single subgroup of our species. There’s Shot Girl Summer, which has evolved from Hot Girl Summer 2.0 to young women having to obsess about which brand of vaccine TikTok currently deems to be “for hot girls.” For the fellas, unfortunately, there’s White Boy Summer, the Lesser Hanks-fronted movement that wants to inspire the pastiest of summer bods to ditch the boat shoes and jaeger bombs to be more like Chet Hanks, i.e., appropriate minority culture in a desperate bid to look less like the starting guy in every character creation screen.